Snow Sharks, Scott Wheeler, 2013, USA.

Snow Sharks, Scott Wheeler, 2013, USA.
Having managed to choke down Sand Sharks, I felt that there are a couple other “sharks in uncommon waters” movies that I aught to see. Probably not my best idea ever. Imagine if there existed a plausibility chart for movie plots that are not even remotely plausible. The base starting point would simply be “implausible.” The other end of the scale is something hard to explain in words, like building your castle on sand, then building an entire city on top of that. This film, for example, could have easily started with someone thinking up the idea; “What if we had some hot chick in a bikini suddenly eaten by a shark… in the snow!?” All they have to do is come up with a reason for the shark to be in a snowy mountain range… and a hot chick in a bikini also in the snowy mountains for some reason… and they settled for a plot-point that is so far off the charts that it wouldn’t work as a graphic novel story. The implausible/ improbable part isn’t that sharks are in the snow, after all it is frozen water! Or even that the filmmakers went for the Indian spirit vengence theme, which has some underlying probability for many spiritual people. Thus while mildly implausible, it does not go without acceptance. But… they stepped off the reservation when the spirit gods conjured up not some great wolf or bear demon, not even some elk with sharpened hooves demon, or a really really evil squirrel, all of which could easily dwell in such woodlands (and actually be familiar to the Indian gods!) NO. The filmmakers went with sharks. Back in the day (when slaughtering Indian tribes was still the “in” thing to do) It was fairly unlikely that the Indians were heading off to the coast for a bit of sea, sun and sand, so we have to go as far as to assume most of the tribe (or even more so the spirit gods of the mountains) would not actually know what a shark was or looked like, or perhaps even have a conceptual idea of a shark really. None the less by now most are saying “Yeah, but the movie is about sharks, not enchanted woodland creatures.” Right. But the sharks aren’t the problem. The whole Indian spirit god thing is the problem. I suppose IF you wanted Indian spirit gods (of the mountains!) in your movie then they should generally not take the form of sharks or even hardcore mean spirited blue whales.
Ok. So how to resolve the plot “problem?” I might imagine some elaborate marine life aquarium in the mountains where the underfed angry sharks breech the wall of the pool they are in and learn how to swim through the snow, grab a bite to eat, and head back to the pool, no muss, no fuss! [MY IDEA FIRST, I got dibbs on it!]
If you don’t like my mountainside aquarium idea, how about a super secret government shark experiment developing cold weather sharks that breath on land, but have to have water like substances to “swim” in? A super secret plane crashes super secretly and releases some of the experimental sharks into the mountainside where they happily swim around in the snow seeking out fresh meat and having super secret experimental shark babies? Yeah, as completely whacked as my two ideas are, both are somehow more sensible then the Indian spirit god conjured killer shark thing! Anyhooo…
The cinematography is decent, although spotty with some lighting issues here and there, and with some “Baywatch” moments, those scenes that just sort of show up that have nothing to do with the actual plot but show something “interesting.” The special effects are both quite nice and completely bogus. It doesn’t really matter as the whole film has such an impossible suspension of disbelief element (the plausibility chart). I had a problem with the directing in that the characters change roles, with the “good guys” doing some bad things (like a good guy punching a girl in the face?) and the bad guys doing the right thing (Why didn’t you tell me there was this problem? (as if he would not have been morally corrupt the whole movie!)) Then there is the always irritating disappearing character element, where certain characters just disappear from the film after a while so who knows what happened to them? The characters themselves, as the actors portray them, are often mildly creepy (in a date rapey sort of way), with a hint of dipshit. They didn’t really have much to work with, but its not a good resume film anyway. The story is bad, done lower middling, with a side order of “its a movie called Snow Sharks! What did you expect?” So mixed all together, it is pretty awful. If I give it half a star it would indicates that it is so bad that nobody should ever see it, which is almost a tad unfair… because it has tiny moments of relative interest, and it is not intended to be serious from the get go. I will give this film 1 star for being as bad as bad can be without slipping into utter oblivion!
I like looking at girls in bikinis. There are actually a few girls in bikinis and various other form fitting outfits. However, unlike most spring break type movies, that promise in dialog, trailer, and cover art to have some sort of bikini contest or extended “Baywatch” eye candy moments, this movie has none. (The Baywatch moment has to do with snowmobile racing) It has a few really quick snippets of eye candy (yes, even for the girls!) but just doesn’t live up to the bikini contest hardcore spring break thing. Gotta go with being somewhat disappointed with that. ½ on the kink scale for just too little to go around to quite capture our attention.

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